


The Adventures of Dipstick

by MlleMusketeer



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Gen, Lab Shenanigans, Mad Science, Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 19:46:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MlleMusketeer/pseuds/MlleMusketeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> 	My designation is D-195T1. Everyone calls me Dipstick. And I have the worst post on the Nemesis.</i><br/>No. Really. I can see you don’t believe me, but really, it’s true. You see, I’m the Laboratory Health and Safety Inspector. Do you know how much scientists hate inspectors? Especially Decepticon scientists?  </p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventures of Dipstick

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the training program I just had to complete in order to work in a new lab... 
> 
> Set sometime in Season Three before "Evolution".

My designation is D-195T1. Everyone calls me Dipstick. And I have the worst post on the _Nemesis._

No. Really. I can see you don’t believe me, but really, it’s true. You see, I’m the Laboratory Health and Safety Inspector. Do you know how much scientists hate inspectors? Especially Decepticon scientists? The answer is a lot and I don’t even try and enforce the ethics regulations because that means I’d have to write up Lord Megatron and that’s somewhere no one wants to go. For one thing, who would I report him to? For another, I get the scrap beat out of me often enough, thanks. 

I get the scrap beaten out of me more often than anyone else on the entire fragging warship. Not exaggerating. Normal sequence of events goes like this: I come in, inspect Knockout’s lab, inform him that the volatile chemicals stored next to each other in the fume hood constitute a safety risk. He ignores me. I inform him that I will have to report him for this, whereupon he ignores me some more. I report it. Lord Megatron ignores the report, and Knockout pounds me into the deckplates. 

Say, two planetary rotations later, the volatile chemicals react and blow a hole through the lab, and the two sets of quarters next to it. Lord Megatron calls both Knockout and myself and proceeds to beat the scrap out of me for not enforcing safety regulations. I have two choices at this point: 1. Keep my mouth shut and limp away or 2. Tell the truth, omitting the fact the report’s been on his desk for two planetary rotations now  and then get the scrap beat out of me by Knockout, _again_ , for tattling. 

And that’s a _good_ day. 

A _bad_ day involves Shockwave. 

I _really_ don’t like Shockwave.

So when he first turned up, I did the first inspection and asked the usual questions you have to when the scientist in question’s working with organisms with an established ability to feel pain: had all alternatives been explored, he did understand the risk of zoonotic infections, right?, was animal housing adequate…

He said nothing. Just stood there and looked at me. 

And I stood there and looked at the Predacon behind him with the datapad held out ready for his approval and ventured, “I just need verbal confirmation that you understand these risks and have completed the appropriate training?”

He leaned forward, pressed the necessary key, and stayed like that. Looking at me, with this evaluating sense to his field, leaning over me. It was _creepy_. 

Soon after that, the slagging Predacon started following me around. I tried reporting it under inadequate housing but that just got ignored because Lord Megatron really _likes_ Shockwave. Shockwave got wind of that. I need not elaborate further. 

Sometimes I wonder if the only reason Lord Megatron appointed me was to annoy the slag out of Commander Starscream, because miraculously, reports about _his_ lab are often followed up on. Promptly. And then Commander Starscream takes it out on, you guessed it, me. 

Still, Knockout wins, hands down, as the worst of the lot, mostly because of what he did the last time I wrote him up. 

That being bolting me to the lab wall. 

Lord Megatron thought it was fragging hilarious. The only reason I got unbolted was Commander Starscream getting what he termed ‘the creeps’ from me staring at him every time he went to visit Knockout, and insisting I be taken down.  Knockout cooperated. Eventually. 

And then there was the thing with the Terrorcons. Because letting our two craziest scientists work together with no supervision was such a good idea, right? It wasn't as if there wasn't any documentation of their incompetence beforehand; I've written them up for _everything_ , including fueling in the laboratory and trying to hide a cube in the bench drawer when they saw me coming. 

So I got to spend the first half of that day explaining to Lord Megatron about _how_ Knockout and Starscream got away with breaking every regulation in the book long enough to create the situation (hint: it was because he hadn't been reading my _slagging reports_ ), and the second half trying to help with the containment efforts. I say trying because most of it was me getting chased around by Terrorcons while the Vehicons tried to keep me from getting eaten, which was very considerate on their parts and probably would have been more so if I hadn't been hiding behind them. 

Look, I _know_ I'm slagging well useless in a fight. I know that I don't have much useful intelligence because the things that Knockout sticks under his lab bench are far from being of vital strategic importance. But I can't do this anymore. The Vehicons think I'm useless and not pulling my weight and the officers hate me and I have to deal with all of the abominations that turn up on the Nemesis well before you do and just... 

Optimus Prime...sir...uh, could you _please_ let me join your side? I'm a good laboratory assistant. I clean up after myself. And, well, I'm _really_ good with paperwork. 

Please?

 

_D-195T1 was accepted onto the Autobot team with surprising alacrity and relief.  This was mostly due to the fact that he had applied two days before April 1st, which was when the expenses accounts concerning the base were due to Agent Fowler's government._


End file.
